So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
