it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
