Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
