Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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