I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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