It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
