please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
