Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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