I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Man, jail baloney is awful.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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