maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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