We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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