Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
