i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
