I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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