we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
So much rum. So many feels.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
