I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
