oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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