I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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