Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
