My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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