i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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