Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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