last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
