Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
