How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
