Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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