Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
