Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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