Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
