Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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