Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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