Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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