Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
