my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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