Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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