I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
