Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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