she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
