i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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