I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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