I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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