Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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