Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
