Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
