Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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