yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Randomize
