If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
