i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
