I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
