Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
