I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Randomize
