Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
