mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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